Scratch Golfer

Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?"
"Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"

Pete Dye

  Father Norton wakes up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf. He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his parish. On the first tee, he sees that he has the entire course to himself—everyone else is in church!

Watching all this from the heavens, Saint Peter leans over to the Lord and asks, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Father Norton hits the ball and it heads straight for the pin, dropping just short of it, rolls up and falls into the hole-a 320 yard hole in one!

Astonished, St. Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?" The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelt p-u-t or  p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied. "of course you know, Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt is merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your  foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. 
Grantland Rice

Eric Linklater

Sam Snead

Four buddies were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for sex or golf ' ....... and she said, "Take a sweater with you..."

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top. 
Pete Dye

After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour.  Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. 
Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his Puerto Rican accent
 

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a PetroL Station in Cork during his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is,:

"Top o the morning to you young fella!" As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would dey be for then?" enquires the Irish man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus", says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everyting!"

Arnold Palmer
 

She said: 'Then I'll be here at 6:45.'

 Mike and Jeff slipped out of work one afternoon to play 18.  It was a beautiful day and they enjoyed each other company and were playing rather well except for a couple of women in front of them who spent more time talking than playing.  Mike having a bit of a temper finally had enough and stalked down to demand the women to let them play through.    He gets close enough to see them, stops, turns  and heads back to his friend.

Jeff, now a little fed up with Mike's temper is surprised by the lack of confrontation  asked why he didn't say anything to the women.   Mike sheepishly replied "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress, and my mistress doesn't know I'm married."  Mike laughed at his friends indelicate situation and volunteered to come to the rescue and ask the women to let them play through.  He made his way casually toward them but he stopped, turned and made his way make to his friend - Blushingly he began putting his clubs away and said, "well, Mikie - its a small world, wattya say we give up golf and go get loaded."

 

Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture Winston Churchill

A father, son and grandson go out to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reach the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approaches them. She explains that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asks the trio whether she can join them.
Naturally, the guys all agree. Smiling, the blonde thanks them and says, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear or tell off-colour stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agree to relax and invite her to drive first. All eyes are fastened on her shapely behind as she bends to place her ball on the tee. She then hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth is agape. 'That was beautiful,' said the dad
The blonde puts her driver away and says, 'I really didn't get into it and I should have faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots (she was closest to the pin) the blonde took out a 9-iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. The son said: 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
The blonde frowned and says, 'It was a little weak. I've left a tricky little putt.' After the son buried a long putt for a par, dad two putts for a bogey and granddad overruns the green with his pitching wedge, chips back and putts for a double bogey, the blonde taps in the five-footer for a birdie.
The guys all congratulate her on her fine game. She puts her putter back in the bag and said: 'Thanks, but I really haven't played much lately, and I'm a little rusty. 'Maybe I'll really get into this next drive.'
Having the honour she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell out of the ball, it lands nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they got to the 18th green the blonde was three under but had a nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said: 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year old Jameson's in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eyed the line of the putt and finally said: 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The grey-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her with the words. 'That's a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?'

Moral: Age and guile will triumph over youth and skill every time

Two friends were out playing golf when George asked Jim if he could borrow a pencil to write down his score.
'I don't have a pencil,' said Jim, reaching into his bag, 'but I do have this.' Whereupon he produced a Bic biro, fully a foot long.
'Good grief,' said George, 'that's the biggest Bic I've ever seen, where did you get it?'
'My golf genie gave it to me.'
George looked sceptical so Jim reached into his bag again and when he withdrew his hand a tiny genie, dressed in golf clothes, was sitting on his palm.
'Bloody sake,' said George. 'Does that mean he grants you wishes?'
'Some times,' said Jim, 'it depends on the mood he's in.'
'Do you think he'd grant me a wish?'
'Why not ask him?'
So George asked and the genie thought about it a moment and said: 'As you're one of Jim's golfing buddies, okay.'
George considered his wish for a few seconds and said: 'I would like to have a million bucks.'
Nothing happened for a moment but then the sky darkened and one million ducks flew overheard, quacking and squawking.
George looked at Jim and said: 'Is he deaf or something - I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

Jim replied: 'Well you don't think I really asked for a 12 inch Bic, do you?'